Sooooo, I know this is like super super super SUPER late. It’s almost OCtober for crying out loud, but I was catching up on some people’s blogs and one of my co-leaders made her post recently so i figured i would too before i really forgot everything.
Coming back to drama after my three year hiatus was…strange, to say the least. I won’t lie, I missed it. The feeling of being in that tent, the sense of family, the excitement of thinking up some new little trick in a drama…I looked forward to it. I had prayed about it and I could finally feel God calling me back to drama. The timing was just perfect; I was able to step in as a leader for the girls and help push others into leader positions too. Then again, His timing is always perfect.
I had a rough time at first. As much as I knew they needed me, I felt like an outsider and was really insecure about being a leader. I have always been a natural born leader in the sense that I’m willing to take charge when nobody else does. It isn’t an easy job, but I feel like someone has to do it especially when others don’t want to, like being strict and hard and in turn being kind and supportive.
All too soon, it felt, we were rapidly approaching the fair. Summer had started and I had been spending nearly all my time with Wendell. I knew we would be separated for a long time, starting in the middle of the fair and I feared it more than anything. It felt like time had run out so quickly, forcing me to grow up before I was ready. But I realized soon enough, just how necessary it was.
CEF retreat was unorganized. I felt like there was so much that needed to be done, to be said, and yet none of us were really doing it. During practice one day, I literally saw a leader pass up responsibility and I was pissed. I remember marching back there and asking that leader what had happened and wanting to get mad, but I didn’t. I have to say, I didn’t do the best job either. I spent time fooling around in the back. Not really paying enough attention to how off we all were. My squad and I all agreed about the mixed feelings when it came to the fair. We were all worried, and we all felt like there was no sense of family, something drama is known for. After talking to Alex about it, I realized that the sense of family was created by us, not by others, and that it was our job to make that sense of family. It was almost like we had forgotten and chosen to wallow in our own self-pity instead.
When the people learning turnaround were announced, I was jealous. I hid it quietly, but I was incredibly hurt that Brandon had chosen other girls to play girl. Daphne had been chosen to play girl for everything, and I just couldn’t understand. I had waited and prayed for it for as long as I could remember, to play that part. When I was younger, I figured it was because I wasn’t mature enough. The role wasn’t hard, but it took a lot of emotion. I was surprised that they had picked Jess for the role, and wanted to voice my objection; she was a first year girl, and wouldn’t have the maturity. Brandon then asked me who else would be a good choice, and I realized just how much I pride I had then. I was putting myself before the team, letting my petty jealousy rear its ugly head so that I could have what I wanted. I left it alone, but the thought still nagged at me. I prayed so hard to find an answer in the week before the fair, but nothing came up. I was so frustrated, I didn’t even want to do the fair at one point.
My answer came quickly enough. The team needed me to be backstage, planning and keeping everyone in line. The boys were constantly on stage, so much I was afraid they’d burn out. Daphne hated planning, and she also had to be on stage for everything, an exhausting drama. Angela was a turn around girl, and Valerie was out of town for the first two days. Lilian and I would take turns, but I could see that she was mostly in prayer, something we needed. God really humbled me in showing me what was really needed of me.
Through the course of the week, I kept reading all these passages about women in the bible. I read about Leah, who felt neglected by Jacob. God came to her rescue, blessing her with children. I read about Hagar, who was banished to the desert by a jealous Sarah. God came to her rescue, sending an angel to help her both times she was banished. I wondered what it meant, but wasn’t really sure.
I prayed a lot about it. It was Friday night, and Wendell was off at college. I couldn’t stand being without him, but drama took my mind off that. I didn’t have the energy to spare while I was on a missions trip. He had specifically forbidden me to do Turnaround, but everything else in my life was telling me that I should take the oppurtunity on closing night to do it.
and I did. It was one of the best experiences of my life and I’ll probably never forget it. Showing that audience the pain of being without God really showed me the mistakes in my own life. I realized I wanted to be with God again. Wendell and I had become so wrapped up in each other, I had neglected my relationship with God, but through turn around He showed me exactly what was going to happen if I kept doing that. After patching things up with Wendell (who was furious at me), I knew there were going to be changes in my life.
And there were. I came to college and found that I’m not so cut out for engineering. I found out that I’m terribly in love with Wendell and I can’t bear to be apart from him. In losing friends from home, I’ve found out I’m really outgoing but can be a terribly shy person. I found out that I don’t much like my school, despite having visited it. I came to college and lost myself, while at the same time finding myself (if that makes any sense). I am who I’ve always been: a daughter of God that wants to be with Him.