Put on your War Paint

So SBU-IVCF arts night is finally here…

And I’ve never been more nervous. They put me in charge of organizing this thing with about a month left until the event. Everything was really last minute, I couldn’t do things as well as I wanted with all my school work, things are STILL last minute…I don’t know. I’m just mad nervous and really feel like this night is going to be terrible.

Merp.

Everyone keeps telling me how great it’ll be, and how excited they are. Is it bad that I’m not excited at all? [Okay maybe I’m a little excited…but I have to MC this thing myself, so that takes away a good portion of what little excitement I have.]

ANYWAY, here’s to a great night. Someone make sure to keep me sane…

I don’t like uncertainty. It’s something I’ve always known, but lately I realized that I really. Don’t. Like. Uncertainty. When I wake up in the morning, I like to know where I am. I like to know that I’m still alive. I like to know that the ground under my feet is stable. I like to know that my body is going to keep functioning. I like to know that the food I eat isn’t going to kill me. Basically, I like to know that things won’t just randomly change on me. This is a characteristic that I have inherited from my dad; my mom likes to say that I’m my father’s daughter and it’s true. Each day I grow to be more and more like him in mind and body.

When something in my life is uncertain, I treat it with the utmost caution; I try not to invest myself too much [which almost always fails because I am also a person who loves wholeheartedly], and most of the time I try to have someone reassure me about whatever it is.

Lately, I’ve realized that the only thing I’m really doing is lying to myself. And I really shouldn’t have to. When I look at my life, I shouldn’t have to question whether or not people like me, I should know; I shouldn’t have to doubt whether or not I’m as smart as people say because I should know; and I should NEVER doubt my worth because I should know. But I don’t. I don’t know how people feel about me or see me. I don’t know if they really care or not. Hell, I don’t even know if I have any real friends. And I know that hurts some of you, but there you have it. And that’s why I was so easily wrecked during my freshman year; I suffered the abuse for over a year because I was so doubtful that I was even worth anything anymore. I’m still doubtful; barely two months ago, I told one of my best friends that I don’t even know what I’m worth.

I have come to the realization that this stems from my serious lack of faith, which is ironic because I’m co-leading a womans group on faith. I can’t deny that though my time has always been invested in building relationships most of the time, I haven’t invested myself in building my relationship with God. [On a serious sidenote, maybe I should step down from leading this group and become a simple member myself. I probably need to be doing these studies more than my members do.] 

I have never taken the time to look deep down and wonder why my faith isn’t as strong as it should be, but this is it. I’ve never been so embarassed and ashamed, but I can hear God’s quiet voice reminding me that I have hurt the one I love the most because of my doubt, and that’s really not okay. So here’s to my best attempt at starting over and really becoming the woman of God that I’m supposed to be.

To you

I wasn’t kidding when I told you that you are trying to undo more than 10 years of damage. It’s really more like 18 years, and it’s close to impossible. But when I look at you, when I see the love in your eyes and when I see the smile on your face, I know that there’s still time to fix things, and I know that you’re still willing to help me. 

Thank you for loving me <3

So far, I have spent my thanksgiving break eating and playing video games.

Traditional dinner last night, hot pot tonight.

Spent the evening playing ghetto articulate and just dance 3. Didn’t realize Derek was such a good dancer [yes, that’s Derek Chiu].

One of the best moments of the night was during Ghetto Articulate, when Paul is trying to act like ‘pikachu’. He throws a pokeball, then gets down and sticks his index fingers out of his head to look like ears. When no one gets it, he turns his baseball cap around backwards, like when Ash means business. And still no one gets it. He keeps miming the pokeball thing, and finally his team gets it. I died.

Merp. happy thanksgiving everybodyyyyyy

mikelmok:

i’d rather be confident in my failures than unsure in my successes.

natalyyh:

(I’m meant to be with you)

ajfrey:

this. i want. i really want.

justin, no filthy bird comments. this is adorable.

Yes. Yes we can. 

Derping: [in this case] hiding under the covers like idiots.

wowfunniestposts:

The Cat Daddy:

The Shuffle:

The Single Ladies Dance:

The Stanky Leg:

The Cyclone:

The Dougie:

omg.

By far the greatest post to ever surface on Tumblr.

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